You and I,
Have long since signed
This pact of life
To find the other in the whispers of life.
You and I,
Walk the Roads of life
In spoken silences
To find the calm of the hushed winds of the night.
You go your way,
I'll hold you soon,
I'll catch up with you on the other side of the world
Because you and I,
Signed this pact for life.
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Caught Sunlight In My Palms
There's the sand under my toes,
Walking by the sea's flow.
I see you coming towards me
And then you're standing by me.
You've caught my sunlight in your palm
While we stroll along the shores.
You've caught that smile playing by my lips,
And the tingles rushing through my finger tips
With the sunlight you caught in your palms.
Let us run into the ocean's cold
Because I'll have your hand to hold.
I want to swim with you in the sea,
Its where I want to be.
You've caught the sunlight in your palms
Whether its light or dark, its in my heart,
Because while I rest in your arms
I've caught the sunlight in my palms.
Walking by the sea's flow.
I see you coming towards me
And then you're standing by me.
You've caught my sunlight in your palm
While we stroll along the shores.
You've caught that smile playing by my lips,
And the tingles rushing through my finger tips
With the sunlight you caught in your palms.
Let us run into the ocean's cold
Because I'll have your hand to hold.
I want to swim with you in the sea,
Its where I want to be.
You've caught the sunlight in your palms
Whether its light or dark, its in my heart,
Because while I rest in your arms
I've caught the sunlight in my palms.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Release.
Release.
I used to be alive. I don't know what I am now. A mere existence? I feel like I'm living in the shadows of my own life. Giving in to the monotony of what mankind let manifest.
There's a restlessness within me that needs no soothing but open spaces to let go, to run, to seize! To jump into the arms of the wild, to allow the prowess of the limbs of the lioness to grasp at the manes of her passion, to embody the fire in her eyes and the spirit in her soul. Its been too long, laying dormant letting the restless winds howl, allowing the hunger in my throat to burn And the glint in my eyes to flash. There's been silence for far too long, a pressure that's blocked the caves and a wave threatening to break the craggy parched rocks.
The Devil in me hasn't had the chance to cause chaos and release me to my open stride. To release me from the architecture d corporal symphony and into the wilderness where my heart reigns.
'Yes I've tamed you for far too long haven't I?' I purr at the danger waiting to flood my abode. In response I succumb to the pleasures of its feral snarl, guttural at its best. 'You need to prowl,' My voice tempts its core. I caress its throbbing veins and whisper close to its puckered up ears, 'Release.'
I used to be alive. I don't know what I am now. A mere existence? I feel like I'm living in the shadows of my own life. Giving in to the monotony of what mankind let manifest.
There's a restlessness within me that needs no soothing but open spaces to let go, to run, to seize! To jump into the arms of the wild, to allow the prowess of the limbs of the lioness to grasp at the manes of her passion, to embody the fire in her eyes and the spirit in her soul. Its been too long, laying dormant letting the restless winds howl, allowing the hunger in my throat to burn And the glint in my eyes to flash. There's been silence for far too long, a pressure that's blocked the caves and a wave threatening to break the craggy parched rocks.
The Devil in me hasn't had the chance to cause chaos and release me to my open stride. To release me from the architecture d corporal symphony and into the wilderness where my heart reigns.
'Yes I've tamed you for far too long haven't I?' I purr at the danger waiting to flood my abode. In response I succumb to the pleasures of its feral snarl, guttural at its best. 'You need to prowl,' My voice tempts its core. I caress its throbbing veins and whisper close to its puckered up ears, 'Release.'
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Lucky
When I was younger I never understood how adults were they way they are. When I was slightly stupider I thought they were smart. Then I grew up and realized I wasn’t smart back in the day.
I was still in the process of growing up when I started seeing it, but I brushed it off as me being inexperienced, not knowing enough about life. I made excuses, the way sometimes we all do. It had to stop someday though, right? It did. Exactly 5 days ago. I spent the evening at an aunt’s house, introducing a friend of their age to them. Not really a “normal” situation. All the same, that evening I saw a stark naked truth staring me in the face and it took all the self control I had to hold in my dangerously foul mouth and tear the man in question into tiny little pieces aiming at his weakest spots and force him to face his own truth. Instead, I waited till it reached boiling point, till the effort made its way up from my feet, consumed me and poured up to my head and, get this, I cried.
Laugh, I’m laughing as I read this because really who would think that such an intensely harsh contemplation would lead to tears. At least they were tears of frustration.
He was condescending, he was needling me to react, to fight back or fight for myself. I frankly don’t care which of the two it actually was. Somewhere in my head that voice whispered to me and said, “This is what he wants. Don’t give it.” It’s been whispering for a while now. “They want you to prove yourself. Repeatedly. See it.” That voice even pleaded but I didn’t pay heed until that moment when I realized that nothing would ever be enough, I would always be just a little girl. Pretending not to be one.
I was getting into the swimming pool last week, this small 11 year old girl walked out of the changing room dressed in a halter neck and tiny shorts walked up to the mirror, opened her purse and put on lipstick with utmost perfection. That night I felt like I was that small girl to them. I realized I would always be.
When we grow up, we forget what it’s like to be younger. Tough luck for the ones who are younger right? We get so tamed by our thoughts, we get so caught up in this tiny little box that we forget to look beyond. It’s an unfortunate thing that happened to this current generation of adults. No one showed them how to look beyond. That lack of teaching doesn’t even allow them to change. They think they’re mature, which with all due respect, to what they’ve been exposed to they are. But how do they see your maturity when yours goes beyond a level they can hardly begin to comprehend? You’re different, you’re better equipped, you’re lucky. I was angry that night. Today, I’m lucky. I escaped that damage. I grew up in a wider world, with endless horizons, with possibilities instead of probabilities, with profound skies and far beyond.
I was still in the process of growing up when I started seeing it, but I brushed it off as me being inexperienced, not knowing enough about life. I made excuses, the way sometimes we all do. It had to stop someday though, right? It did. Exactly 5 days ago. I spent the evening at an aunt’s house, introducing a friend of their age to them. Not really a “normal” situation. All the same, that evening I saw a stark naked truth staring me in the face and it took all the self control I had to hold in my dangerously foul mouth and tear the man in question into tiny little pieces aiming at his weakest spots and force him to face his own truth. Instead, I waited till it reached boiling point, till the effort made its way up from my feet, consumed me and poured up to my head and, get this, I cried.
Laugh, I’m laughing as I read this because really who would think that such an intensely harsh contemplation would lead to tears. At least they were tears of frustration.
He was condescending, he was needling me to react, to fight back or fight for myself. I frankly don’t care which of the two it actually was. Somewhere in my head that voice whispered to me and said, “This is what he wants. Don’t give it.” It’s been whispering for a while now. “They want you to prove yourself. Repeatedly. See it.” That voice even pleaded but I didn’t pay heed until that moment when I realized that nothing would ever be enough, I would always be just a little girl. Pretending not to be one.
I was getting into the swimming pool last week, this small 11 year old girl walked out of the changing room dressed in a halter neck and tiny shorts walked up to the mirror, opened her purse and put on lipstick with utmost perfection. That night I felt like I was that small girl to them. I realized I would always be.
When we grow up, we forget what it’s like to be younger. Tough luck for the ones who are younger right? We get so tamed by our thoughts, we get so caught up in this tiny little box that we forget to look beyond. It’s an unfortunate thing that happened to this current generation of adults. No one showed them how to look beyond. That lack of teaching doesn’t even allow them to change. They think they’re mature, which with all due respect, to what they’ve been exposed to they are. But how do they see your maturity when yours goes beyond a level they can hardly begin to comprehend? You’re different, you’re better equipped, you’re lucky. I was angry that night. Today, I’m lucky. I escaped that damage. I grew up in a wider world, with endless horizons, with possibilities instead of probabilities, with profound skies and far beyond.
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
For the Rest of your Life...
Do you ever truly grow into the person you're going to be for the rest of your life or is it just a stream of constant phases that roll in like a wave and retreat after touching the shores?
I remember being a person who was hot tempered, angry, unhappy and downright negative to be around. Never really happy with life, frowns and grimaces. I remember that changing too. Two years of Yoga got that one. I also remember thinking, "This is who I am always going to be." And then that changed.
Two years of yoga gave me more than that though, it taught me something. It taught me about growth, not personal or spiritual growth because right now I feel like too much of an amateur to distinguish between the two, but yes growth. Situations arise, you swim through them and when you resurface you're not alone. Attached to you is a strength you didn't have before. Sometimes the strength is your knowledge of survival, sometimes its a new found faith and sometimes its something that surprises you with it's sheer novelty. The beauty of these strengths stun you into a disbelieving silence that almost always in turn, strengthen your faith.
Here comes the thought, "The person I'm finally going to be..."
Wait..! There was still more to come.
My next lesson was that of reason and causation. Nothing happens without a reason, you just have to figure out what the reason is. Once you go through doubting the world, doubting yourself and then eventually doubting God, questioning religion and faith you hopefully get lucky like I did and learn to see past the invisibility cloak your faith has been wearing and embrace whatever you see and find yourself at the doorstep of something new yet again.
After that phase I thought again, "This is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life." Alas, wrong again!
Surety and complacency. This is what came to me while sitting in the red glow of my lava lamp, Iron and Wine music wafting through the air, bouncing off my mirror and coming back to touch me. I was once sure that spiritually I was growing, but I began to wonder if it was my intellect growing. My intellect seemed to be battling with confusion, because if I had reached my spiritual self there would be no room for confusion in the heart of constancy.
I asked my mentor, "Growth or phase?"
She said, "Is not continuous movement from one phase to another growth? Then are the not the same? If you remain still and passive you stagnate."
I thought, just like I had so many times before, life is growth, complacency is stagnation, stagnation is decay and finally, decay is death.
Searching for more, i sought for more and found from the mind of a Guru, "You are either depending on what you believe.. like the light which is a particle or a wave, depending on how it is viewed."
I got to thinking again, Light is constant, not complacent, like growth. And Waves change, progress, like growth. So then does it really matter if you finally grow into who you are going to be for the rest of your life or go through a stream of phases that roll in like a wave and retreat after touching the shores? The person you are going to be depends on whether you chose to grow or to stagnate. You could chose to live with only the growth already achieved or imbibe the waves of escalation. If you chose the latter ,you chose to grow into the person you're going to be for the rest of your life, you're going to be Progress. If not then it wouldn't really matter because a lack of Progress is Stagnation, and Stagnation, Is Death.
I remember being a person who was hot tempered, angry, unhappy and downright negative to be around. Never really happy with life, frowns and grimaces. I remember that changing too. Two years of Yoga got that one. I also remember thinking, "This is who I am always going to be." And then that changed.
Two years of yoga gave me more than that though, it taught me something. It taught me about growth, not personal or spiritual growth because right now I feel like too much of an amateur to distinguish between the two, but yes growth. Situations arise, you swim through them and when you resurface you're not alone. Attached to you is a strength you didn't have before. Sometimes the strength is your knowledge of survival, sometimes its a new found faith and sometimes its something that surprises you with it's sheer novelty. The beauty of these strengths stun you into a disbelieving silence that almost always in turn, strengthen your faith.
Here comes the thought, "The person I'm finally going to be..."
Wait..! There was still more to come.
My next lesson was that of reason and causation. Nothing happens without a reason, you just have to figure out what the reason is. Once you go through doubting the world, doubting yourself and then eventually doubting God, questioning religion and faith you hopefully get lucky like I did and learn to see past the invisibility cloak your faith has been wearing and embrace whatever you see and find yourself at the doorstep of something new yet again.
After that phase I thought again, "This is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life." Alas, wrong again!
Surety and complacency. This is what came to me while sitting in the red glow of my lava lamp, Iron and Wine music wafting through the air, bouncing off my mirror and coming back to touch me. I was once sure that spiritually I was growing, but I began to wonder if it was my intellect growing. My intellect seemed to be battling with confusion, because if I had reached my spiritual self there would be no room for confusion in the heart of constancy.
I asked my mentor, "Growth or phase?"
She said, "Is not continuous movement from one phase to another growth? Then are the not the same? If you remain still and passive you stagnate."
I thought, just like I had so many times before, life is growth, complacency is stagnation, stagnation is decay and finally, decay is death.
Searching for more, i sought for more and found from the mind of a Guru, "You are either depending on what you believe.. like the light which is a particle or a wave, depending on how it is viewed."
I got to thinking again, Light is constant, not complacent, like growth. And Waves change, progress, like growth. So then does it really matter if you finally grow into who you are going to be for the rest of your life or go through a stream of phases that roll in like a wave and retreat after touching the shores? The person you are going to be depends on whether you chose to grow or to stagnate. You could chose to live with only the growth already achieved or imbibe the waves of escalation. If you chose the latter ,you chose to grow into the person you're going to be for the rest of your life, you're going to be Progress. If not then it wouldn't really matter because a lack of Progress is Stagnation, and Stagnation, Is Death.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
The Undercurrents- Part 1
You're still there, in 2009.
It seems the last time I saw you, time stood still. Not in that moment but in a moment a year ago. Pushing, you moved my firmly grounded feet to spaces unsteady and unknown to battle, recreate and reground. Mockery behind masks of support and intentions that are strangers to both, you and me, guided and dictated actions and manipulations. Twisted mind of misery was it?
It doesn’t seem fair that you’re inability to reside in happiness should make marks on my ability to be happy right? But it did. It made marks that were really deep and somewhat unforgettable. It isn’t like I haven’t tried to forget. Because I have. I’ve tried really hard. Sometimes memories don’t like to leave. The good part is, sometimes memories don’t bring back memories of the emotions, just empty reels of films that were shot a long time ago.
I’m not scared. I’m not scared of losing anyone. I’m scared of not knowing. I agree. But I’m not scared of not knowing anymore than any other average human being is.
J.K. Rowling once said in the words of Albus Dumbledore,
“Fear of the dark, is nothing but the fear of the Unknown.”
So ofcourse, I am scared but that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything. I’m still learning and I’m still trying. That’s what really matters.
Getting to the point of it, you asked me to move forward, to let go, to grow. I did. I think somewhere along the way, you forgot that you need to do the same. You can’t live in a time that has past and you can’t keep doing things that you did 2 years ago. I moved on, but you’re still there, in 2009.
It seems the last time I saw you, time stood still. Not in that moment but in a moment a year ago. Pushing, you moved my firmly grounded feet to spaces unsteady and unknown to battle, recreate and reground. Mockery behind masks of support and intentions that are strangers to both, you and me, guided and dictated actions and manipulations. Twisted mind of misery was it?
It doesn’t seem fair that you’re inability to reside in happiness should make marks on my ability to be happy right? But it did. It made marks that were really deep and somewhat unforgettable. It isn’t like I haven’t tried to forget. Because I have. I’ve tried really hard. Sometimes memories don’t like to leave. The good part is, sometimes memories don’t bring back memories of the emotions, just empty reels of films that were shot a long time ago.
I’m not scared. I’m not scared of losing anyone. I’m scared of not knowing. I agree. But I’m not scared of not knowing anymore than any other average human being is.
J.K. Rowling once said in the words of Albus Dumbledore,
“Fear of the dark, is nothing but the fear of the Unknown.”
So ofcourse, I am scared but that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything. I’m still learning and I’m still trying. That’s what really matters.
Getting to the point of it, you asked me to move forward, to let go, to grow. I did. I think somewhere along the way, you forgot that you need to do the same. You can’t live in a time that has past and you can’t keep doing things that you did 2 years ago. I moved on, but you’re still there, in 2009.
Friday, February 4, 2011
What If All You Really Have Is Yourself?
Isn't it funny how before you know it, you learn to get by. Even funnier that you're getting by anyway and it didn't occur to you. I learned how to live, find new people, fit myself in somewhere. But does that mean you can't live without someone by your side? What if all you ever had was yourself? We always need people, and when they leave we find new people to replace them so then at the end of the day, all you do really have is yourself. Then why does the question of 'what if all you ever had was yourself?' scare us to the extent that we avoid thinking of it, we occupy ourselves again?
I had to recreate myself over the last year. Not because I didn't like myself, because I did. I truly loved myself, but I broke as a person. Parts of me that were once so familiar seemed like distant shadows and this new helpless person was taking over instead. I wasn't a scared person, I don't know how I believed that I was. I didn't realize that losing yourself was possible until it actually happened. I had to really look deep inside, go into the ambiguity of introspection and search in places that I didn't know existed. Or I forgot that they existed, because I'm sure that there was a point where i thrived in that space.
I got comfortable with a set of friends, a new world that I never thought would have come to me. I spent every day with these friends just doing things I'd always wanted to be doing even if it was just going for a drink, sitting around listening to music or talking for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. I'd never had people I could do all of that with, be myself with and really enjoy every moment of all that I did, including the drama and boredom. My personal favorite part was sitting on my best friend's terrace along with her and another one of my buds. I remember this one time when after a party on a bus we lay on the terrace tank, staring at the sky while one of them sang random songs and we stayed happy and content in that moment. I was with people I loved.
Another moment that really sealed my friendship with one of them, lets name him Rob, was when I was really upset, he took me out for a drink, let me cry out everything that bothered me and then sobered me up, fixed me up and sent me home smiling. I thought Rob and I would be friends for the longest time possible. The moment with , lets call her Caira, that sealed our friendship is rather undistinguished. It was probably the first time we ever spoke. Post that, I hadn't gone longer than 2 days without hearing from her.
So needless to say, when things ended, it came as a real blow to me. Making it worse, the only friend that I ended up falling for, calling him Steve, disappeared on me but at the same time. Believe it or not, it was the same week. I've got to say that hurt. The Steve Disappearance hurt for 8 long and painful months and one fine day I realized it was futile to care, it was naive to believe that he cared and I was being completely off my rocket.
I think what really got to me is that I never really know what went wrong with any of them. I still don't. Dealing with that was the hardest but I did anyway. I had people like Nitya and Kaizeen to help me along the way... (these aren't pseudo names) I eventually made new friends, ones I've come to truly love and care about, Nolina and Niddhi. Though, sometimes there's still a fear of getting too close again because going through with it again will be too painful. When I see my old friends its like watching imprints of their departed souls walking past. They're like a ghost of a memory and I don't want the hauntings to return in their full fledged form. I trust that I'm stronger and better equipped this time along, but you never really know right?
There is something that I did find of me though that really makes things ok. I found myself and I'm starting to believe that that is enough. So I'm walking out of that phase for I'm scared of thinking, "what if all you really have is yourself?". I feel like I'm walking into a prolonged moment of an epiphany where I learn that all you really have is yourself and it's really not that bad.
I had to recreate myself over the last year. Not because I didn't like myself, because I did. I truly loved myself, but I broke as a person. Parts of me that were once so familiar seemed like distant shadows and this new helpless person was taking over instead. I wasn't a scared person, I don't know how I believed that I was. I didn't realize that losing yourself was possible until it actually happened. I had to really look deep inside, go into the ambiguity of introspection and search in places that I didn't know existed. Or I forgot that they existed, because I'm sure that there was a point where i thrived in that space.
I got comfortable with a set of friends, a new world that I never thought would have come to me. I spent every day with these friends just doing things I'd always wanted to be doing even if it was just going for a drink, sitting around listening to music or talking for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. I'd never had people I could do all of that with, be myself with and really enjoy every moment of all that I did, including the drama and boredom. My personal favorite part was sitting on my best friend's terrace along with her and another one of my buds. I remember this one time when after a party on a bus we lay on the terrace tank, staring at the sky while one of them sang random songs and we stayed happy and content in that moment. I was with people I loved.
Another moment that really sealed my friendship with one of them, lets name him Rob, was when I was really upset, he took me out for a drink, let me cry out everything that bothered me and then sobered me up, fixed me up and sent me home smiling. I thought Rob and I would be friends for the longest time possible. The moment with , lets call her Caira, that sealed our friendship is rather undistinguished. It was probably the first time we ever spoke. Post that, I hadn't gone longer than 2 days without hearing from her.
So needless to say, when things ended, it came as a real blow to me. Making it worse, the only friend that I ended up falling for, calling him Steve, disappeared on me but at the same time. Believe it or not, it was the same week. I've got to say that hurt. The Steve Disappearance hurt for 8 long and painful months and one fine day I realized it was futile to care, it was naive to believe that he cared and I was being completely off my rocket.
I think what really got to me is that I never really know what went wrong with any of them. I still don't. Dealing with that was the hardest but I did anyway. I had people like Nitya and Kaizeen to help me along the way... (these aren't pseudo names) I eventually made new friends, ones I've come to truly love and care about, Nolina and Niddhi. Though, sometimes there's still a fear of getting too close again because going through with it again will be too painful. When I see my old friends its like watching imprints of their departed souls walking past. They're like a ghost of a memory and I don't want the hauntings to return in their full fledged form. I trust that I'm stronger and better equipped this time along, but you never really know right?
There is something that I did find of me though that really makes things ok. I found myself and I'm starting to believe that that is enough. So I'm walking out of that phase for I'm scared of thinking, "what if all you really have is yourself?". I feel like I'm walking into a prolonged moment of an epiphany where I learn that all you really have is yourself and it's really not that bad.
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