The Undercurrents- Part 1

You're still there, in 2009.

It seems the last time I saw you, time stood still. Not in that moment but in a moment a year ago. Pushing, you moved my firmly grounded feet to spaces unsteady and unknown to battle, recreate and reground. Mockery behind masks of support and intentions that are strangers to both, you and me, guided and dictated actions and manipulations. Twisted mind of misery was it?

It doesn’t seem fair that you’re inability to reside in happiness should make marks on my ability to be happy right? But it did. It made marks that were really deep and somewhat unforgettable. It isn’t like I haven’t tried to forget. Because I have. I’ve tried really hard. Sometimes memories don’t like to leave. The good part is, sometimes memories don’t bring back memories of the emotions, just empty reels of films that were shot a long time ago.

I’m not scared. I’m not scared of losing anyone. I’m scared of not knowing. I agree. But I’m not scared of not knowing anymore than any other average human being is.

J.K. Rowling once said in the words of Albus Dumbledore,
“Fear of the dark, is nothing but the fear of the Unknown.”

So ofcourse, I am scared but that doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t change anything. I’m still learning and I’m still trying. That’s what really matters.

Getting to the point of it, you asked me to move forward, to let go, to grow. I did. I think somewhere along the way, you forgot that you need to do the same. You can’t live in a time that has past and you can’t keep doing things that you did 2 years ago. I moved on, but you’re still there, in 2009.

What If All You Really Have Is Yourself?

Isn't it funny how before you know it, you learn to get by. Even funnier that you're getting by anyway and it didn't occur to you. I learned how to live, find new people, fit myself in somewhere. But does that mean you can't live without someone by your side? What if all you ever had was yourself? We always need people, and when they leave we find new people to replace them so then at the end of the day, all you do really have is yourself. Then why does the question of 'what if all you ever had was yourself?' scare us to the extent that we avoid thinking of it, we occupy ourselves again?

I had to recreate myself over the last year. Not because I didn't like myself, because I did. I truly loved myself, but I broke as a person. Parts of me that were once so familiar seemed like distant shadows and this new helpless person was taking over instead. I wasn't a scared person, I don't know how I believed that I was. I didn't realize that losing yourself was possible until it actually happened. I had to really look deep inside, go into the ambiguity of introspection and search in places that I didn't know existed. Or I forgot that they existed, because I'm sure that there was a point where i thrived in that space.

I got comfortable with a set of friends, a new world that I never thought would have come to me. I spent every day with these friends just doing things I'd always wanted to be doing even if it was just going for a drink, sitting around listening to music or talking for hours on end about everything and nothing at all. I'd never had people I could do all of that with, be myself with and really enjoy every moment of all that I did, including the drama and boredom. My personal favorite part was sitting on my best friend's terrace along with her and another one of my buds. I remember this one time when after a party on a bus we lay on the terrace tank, staring at the sky while one of them sang random songs and we stayed happy and content in that moment. I was with people I loved.

Another moment that really sealed my friendship with one of them, lets name him Rob, was when I was really upset, he took me out for a drink, let me cry out everything that bothered me and then sobered me up, fixed me up and sent me home smiling. I thought Rob and I would be friends for the longest time possible. The moment with , lets call her Caira, that sealed our friendship is rather undistinguished. It was probably the first time we ever spoke. Post that, I hadn't gone longer than 2 days without hearing from her.

So needless to say, when things ended, it came as a real blow to me. Making it worse, the only friend that I ended up falling for, calling him Steve, disappeared on me but at the same time. Believe it or not, it was the same week. I've got to say that hurt. The Steve Disappearance hurt for 8 long and painful months and one fine day I realized it was futile to care, it was naive to believe that he cared and I was being completely off my rocket.

I think what really got to me is that I never really know what went wrong with any of them. I still don't. Dealing with that was the hardest but I did anyway. I had people like Nitya and Kaizeen to help me along the way... (these aren't pseudo names) I eventually made new friends, ones I've come to truly love and care about, Nolina and Niddhi. Though, sometimes there's still a fear of getting too close again because going through with it again will be too painful. When I see my old friends its like watching imprints of their departed souls walking past. They're like a ghost of a memory and I don't want the hauntings to return in their full fledged form. I trust that I'm stronger and better equipped this time along, but you never really know right?

There is something that I did find of me though that really makes things ok. I found myself and I'm starting to believe that that is enough. So I'm walking out of that phase for I'm scared of thinking, "what if all you really have is yourself?". I feel like I'm walking into a prolonged moment of an epiphany where I learn that all you really have is yourself and it's really not that bad.